Southern people often have to fight negative stereotypes. Floridians have the added trouble of not being considered "Southern" by hardcore peach-cobbler eating elitists. However, like it or not, Floridians are Southerners, and it's really all the same to inhabitants of the chilly North; you come from south of the Mason-Dixon line, and therefore you are a complete moron.All right, maybe Northerners don't really feel this way about Southerners. Still, the amount of absolutely ridiculous advice that a Southerner will get is astounding. Southerners might as well have come from Mars, apparently, since we don't know the most basic facts about living up north.
Climate in South Florida
I won't speak for the rest of Dixie, but South Florida is a place that boasts summerlike temperatures almost all year long. During what should be summer/fall, we experience the "wet season", which is extremely hot, humid climate wherein we can go a week without seeing the sun. Thunderstorms are a daily occurance, and the occasional hurricane will pop by to throw in some excitement. During what should be winter/spring, we experience the "dry season", which is still hot and humid, but instead of the monsoon, we have drought. During the dry season, Floridians can expect to have 2-6 weeks of Florida Winter, when the temperatures fluxuate from 50 - 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
These temperatures, despite objective warmth, are freezing by South Floridian standards, and while many people simply put on a (rare) long-sleeved shirt and are just dandy, other folks go the whole nine yards and don parkas, scarves, heavy coats, gloves, closed-toed shoes... This, naturally, sets us up for much ridicule from people who know what it's like to live in a place with the traditional 4 seasons. In fact, during one particularly cold Florida Winter (temperatures dipped into the high 30s!), a family from Wisconsin took a refreshing dip in the beach and proceeded to walk around in shorts and t-shirts, while natives were shivering in their 10 layers of clothing. Naturally, this gained attention from the local media. That's how much South Floridians are ill-adaped to non-tropical temperatures. Wisconsonians make the news.
Winter in Lowell
This starts in November and doesn't end until May. After falling on your ass a couple of times, losing control of your car because black ice is hard to see on the road, showing up to places soaking wet because the snow has found a vulnerability in your clothes, dealing with the sun setting a 5 hours after it's risen, and having to take showers in a bath tub that refuses to warm up in the morning, you learn very quickly that winter is not as awesome as we misguided heat-hating Southerners think.
Native New Englanders vs Moi
New Englanders in general have some really weird ideas about Southern people once temperatures turn chilly. This is particularly true of Floridians. One of my jobs requires dealing with people, and some of said people will randomly complain about winter and fantasize about Florida. I will laugh at them and say that Florida is a horrible place to live, and I'd much rather be living in Lowell than Miami. This is never a good idea. Saying such things is apparently akin to saying, "When the power goes out, I just light a baby on fire for warmth."
I once had a woman demand to know my reasons for moving out of Florida in a very angry tone of voice, as though I'd offended her. Granted, we were in the middle of a blizzard at that point, so Communist Cuba probably sounded like a great alternative. Still, for a woman who knew very little about Florida, admittedly never having been, she was pretty judgemental about my decision to leave sweltering pastures for the frozen north.
More annoying than that kind of attitude is the idea that Southerners are complete morons when it comes to the winter experience... or the "below 50 degrees" experience.
Southerners: Take Heed
I urge Southerners who are taking vacations or are moving northward to read this section and make mental preparations. Attitudes like the one that woman displayed will not be an uncommon occurance for Southerners who are transplanted in the north. But even more common (and more annoying) are the double standards northerners will impose upon you.
Example:
It's chilly outside, and Southern Gal has on a pair of pants, turtleneck, and a jacket. She runs into a group of people she knows, so she decides to stop and talk. One person in the group, who just so happens to be wearing a jacket so thick it's probably bulletproof and is bouncing to generate body heat, turns to Southern Gal and exclaims, "You're already layering up? You'll never survive the winter!" Southern Gal resists urge to strangle. She has a short temper, you see.
I admit, that was probably the most extreme turd of crap that was hurled at me last year, and most people will never have to experience that. But it never hurts to be prepared! There is no limit to stupid, remember.
Now, I come to the absolute worst, most migraine-inducing fact of life that Southerners must endure: Loads of crappy, uncalled-for advice. Rather than try to remember every little irritating comment, I will provide this charming anecdote. It is, sad to say, all truth.
I once had an aquaintance who decided that I, as a Southerner, was completely unprepared for the change in seasons, and thought it would be a good idea to lend a hand. "Did you know it gets cold?" You mean snow isn't a myth? Where is my return ticket?!!
"You should get some long-sleeved shirts." Alright.
"You need to get a coat." ...alright.
"It's a good idea to layer your clothing when you go out." ...Yes, I know this already. My former home != under a rock.
I started to make excuses to cut our conversations short, but whenever I was fortunate enough to speak to him, he'd pick up right where he'd left off. Do any of you remember "The Song that Doesn't End"? It's so amusing for the first couple of minutes, and then you start to develop an insatiable hunger for lamb. Particularly Lamb Chop. Speaking to Mr. H. was like listening to the song that didn't end for about 5 hours straight. "Get a coat. It gets cold. Snow falls. Golden retrievers are good to have. Layer. Get a coat. It gets cold."
I eventually managed to lose him and haven't "found" him since. That did not mean that I escaped random advice from people that were every bit as useful as Mr. H's.
The truth is, every Southern person is going to have questions about Northern life. If the Southerner comes from a place that's too warm for snow or even cold temperatures, it's natural that the person will need to learn a thing or two about wintertime survival. Unfortunately, nobody is going to want to talk to you about snow tires, chains, dry fuel, the most efficient way to heat a home, seasonal vegetables, snow boots, how much extra time to allot yourself for a wintertime commute, and the funny (but normal) sounds your car may make during said commute. In other words, don't expect the majority of people to give you advice that will be of any use to you. Your best bet would be to go online and find any tipsheets you can about the issues you would like more information about. Read blogs or columns written by people such as myself who have recently moved to a chilly climate from a warm one. Find people in your area who have lived in both places, because they are most likely to understand where you're coming from.
In a few upcoming entries, I will talk about other fun and unexpected differences between Northern and Southern life, including dialect, domestic life, and food. I will also revisit the topic of cars, which will include sagely advice from seasoned New England drivers. STAY TUNED.
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